From Separate Worlds to Shared Joy: A Friendship That Changed Us Both

I'm Alan*, and I’ve been working with Thrive Homecare in the capacity of a wellbeing companion since mid-2023, I was matched with Craig*, who was 27 at the time, whilst I was 45.  Despite the significant age difference, we got on like a house on fire on our first meeting, and the rest is history!

Craig, is an autistic young man who lives a fairly sheltered life.  For the most part he stays in his room of the sheltered accommodation and immerses himself in his own realm, one dominated by Marvel and DC Comics, Anime, Manga, Sci-Fi, and his vast and impressive collection of DVDs that he has amassed over the years. I was introduced to help Craig expand his social interaction and share conversations, engage in activities and get out and about more. He keeps in touch with his mother on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas and has a civil relationship with a couple of his housemates. But his wider social network is small. To that end, my addition into his life has helped him open up as a person and be a touch more social.

Through the years, I have seen Craig grow in confidence immensely.  Initially he was quite guarded on most matters, and personal issues.  Now, I can honestly say we have frank conversations about anything and everything.   Some of them are quite intriguing and thought provoking.   He confides in me, and to that end, I have listened to many anecdotes regarding his childhood, his family, key events in his life, dating history and personal matters.  These aren't topics that he broaches with any of his carers.

Each day I am scheduled to visit, he is eagerly waiting for me in the hallway or reception room, looking through the window to witness my approach, and to be there to open the door (often before I even have a chance to knock).   Recently, he has been allowing me to knock in a signature way, which I leave half completed, for him to complete on the other side of the door. It's small things like this that makes Craig smile, and it's things like this that I relish the most.  I find that sometimes subtle and personalised ways of bonding are more significant and make for better memories.

It was noteworthy to me that when I started seeing Craig, he was very protective over his possessions and his food.  I can confidently say that our relationship has blossomed to such an extent, that he will openly offer me foods that he purchases, and encourages me to try them, especially when they are things that he is passionate about.

He has had me sample many hot sauces over the years, some of the biscuits that he buys, some of the curries that he has made, and also some of the unconventional cereals and syrups that he has experimented with.  I feel privileged that he feels confident enough and comfortable enough to treat me as someone close to him.  While I have been with him, he has also experimented with some more unusual meat types like rabbit and veal and pheasant.

I remember a conversation that we had where we were discussing empathy, and the importance of being kind. Being autistic, sometimes means that Craig does not always appreciate the impact that his speech and behaviour may have on others, and whether people are offended or distressed isn't always apparent to him.  He told me that he uses facial cues and eye contact to try and ascertain human emotions.  One specific event he mentioned stuck with me, in that when he had therapy, his counsellor told him, when considering empathy, follow a golden rule.  The rule being, that if you don't like being spoken to or treated a certain way, then assume that others don't want to be either.  I found that to be a good premise for him to work on, especially when dealing with housemates or carers, where matters of disagreement can occur.

Having worked for myself for the best part of two decades, living a sedentary office career, I have found that visiting Craig is as much enriching for me as it is for him.  Having that contact with another person, of a different age, with a different mindset, from another walk of life, has enhanced my life in many ways.  It gives me the opportunity twice a week to break from the shackles of work, and interact, and in that sense, I feel that this role is reciprocally beneficial for both of us.  Craig does as much for me, as I do for him, and I say that with pride.

We often have discussions about moral and ethical questions, exploring how we think and feel in different situations. Over time, I’ve noticed that Craig has made remarkable steps in showing empathy and considering others. He recently shared something that really stayed with me, reflecting a growing awareness and care for those around him. I’m proud to see this development in him and enjoy supporting him as he continues to extend that regard for others.

We play board games together, including Monopoly, Uno, Chess, Ludo, Scrabble, Draughts and other games.  We also indulge in computer games on his various game consoles. Sometimes one of the carers joins us too.  It's a delight to see how competitive Craig is, and how much he relishes the prospect of a victory.  It's at these moments that he comes alive and shows true passion, engagement and animation in his behaviour, speech and expressions.  The only other time that I see him immersed in unfettered joy, is when we are discussing things.  Sometimes we talk about religion, science or philosophy.  Craig's memory on some topics is remarkable.  He has an enormous capacity for facts and to that end I jokingly asked him if he would like to be on a gameshow as I can see him winning big on the topics of his choosing. It's at these moments that I learn from Craig.  I listen and I absorb what he has to say, and I can see that it brings him immense satisfaction to know that he is teaching me and that he knows things that are unfamiliar to me. 

If anyone is interested in a companionship role but has reservations, I would ask them to consider my experiences.  Despite differences in age, race and appearance, we have bonded over shared passions of Sci-Fi, food, philosophy, science and debate.  Together we seem like an unlikely pair, him being a towering 6'7 nerdy giant, and me being a gym orientated 5'9, but regardless of the visual aspects, I can honestly call Craig a friend now and vice versa. Companionship has definitely been a two-way street, and both our lives are richer for it.

*Names changed to protect privacy

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